Pounded In The Butt By Covfefe by Chuck Tingle

Author:Chuck Tingle [Tingle, Chuck]
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
Published: 2017-05-30T16:00:00+00:00

The first thing that I’m aware of is a powerful soreness that has consumed my entire body. I wouldn’t quite call it pain, however, just a mild discomfort as I begin to move my limbs, that feeling of someone who is trying to stand up after a long, long time in front of the television.

I slowly open my eyes, the pupils immediately reacting as they’re flooded with light.

“Oh my god, what happened?” I groan.

“You were hit by a car,” a soothing voice informs me. “Do you remember that?”

I think back to the last thing I remember, that night at the restaurant, and suddenly my anger is building up yet again.

“Calm down,” the voice coos. “You’re okay. Everything’s gonna be fine.”

I turn my head on my pillow and allow my vision to adjust to the figure sitting next to me, a human silhouette that is slowly becoming clearer. At first, I’m relieved to be in the presence of such a kind soul, but the more my eyes adjust, the faster I’m filled with a creeping dread.

When I can finally make out who it is here in my hospital room, I scream in terror, pulling back from the horrific visage. The man who sits next to me is that sign-waving hippy from across the street, and he’s clearly here to exact his revenge.

“Don’t hurt me!” I cry.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” says the man, almost laughing to himself as he tries to calm me down. “I’m not going to hurt you. Why would I do that?”

I stop pulling away, but my heart is still slamming hard in my chest. “Because I don’t believe in global warming and you do!” I remind him.

The man lets out a long sigh. “Well, I mean, I have to be honest, that’s a very dangerous and stupid opinion you have, but it’s still just an opinion.”

My eyes narrow. “Wait a minute. How did I get here?”

“I brought you,” says the hippy. “You’ve been out for two weeks, but I come by to visit sometimes. Glad to be here when you finally woke up.”

My eyes narrow even more. “That just doesn’t add up. Why would you help me when I was out cold on the road? Why not just leave me there?”

The sign-waver scoffs. “Just leave you there? Of course not!”

I roll my eyes, realizing now that I’m the butt of someone’s distasteful joke. “You’re trying to tell me that you care about other people?”

The hippy just stares at me blankly for a moment, before finally answering. “Um… yeah.”

I shake my head. He’s clearly not understanding me. “No, I mean other people. Like, people other than yourself.”

“Yes, I care about what happens to other people,” the sign-waver informs me. “You don’t?”

I say nothing in return.

“I think I’ve finally figured out why you don’t believe in global warming,” the hippy offers. “Maybe it’s not that you don’t trust the media, or the scientists. Maybe it’s just the fact that you don’t give a shit about anyone other than yourself.”

I shrug.

“You have kids?” the hippy questions.

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